heather_zilla (heather_zilla) wrote,

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the inevitable.

I used to blame the fact that I haven't done anything drastic with my life on my mother. How she would be devastated if I died. But I realize that I don't want to die. I'm 17 years old. In 17 years I've done nothing, I haven't done anything momentus. The point is I haven't lived. I don't think I've had a normal childhood or a normal life so it seems pretty pointless now that I evaluate everything. I'm almost to the 20 year old mark. I've lived almost 20 years. In 20 more years i'll be 40. Doesn't that seem so crazy? By then most likely one or both of my parents will be dead. I can't picture that. The thought of any one dear to me dying is killing me. The thought that one day, I too will die terrifies me to no end. I WILL die. I don't believe in God. I pretty much believe that once I die I just won't exist. No memories of my life or the people I loved.  I will just be in this meaningless void. Part of the things about religion that I envy is that there is that comfy cushion called Heaven, or at least eternal life. Human beings can't accept that one day they're going to die and then nothing.. I lay awake sometimes and cry because of this. When I look at my life I haven't done anything. I haven't gotten that real kiss or that REAL love. I haven't had sex or had my heart broken. Theres SO many things that I haven't done yet. I'm fat and I live in this room. Locking myself away from the world for what? So I can wait to die? I could get hit by a car tomorrow or a tree can fall on my house crushing me into pieces while I sleep. I hate this. I hate that this life isn't forever and that someday I'll have to accept the inevitable. Does that mean that I can achieve what ever? Or what if I have a horrible life? I don't want to die an old fat virgin that never truely lived. I need to take chances. I don't know. I'm finished with this. I think I'll go crazy if I think about this matter anymore.
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